First: Learn to distinguish obsessional thoughts from problem-solving thoughts.
Obsessional thoughts:
*do not generate new information.
* do not create real steps to take in the real world.
*do generate lots of anxiety.
Problem-Solving thoughts:
*do generate new information
*do create real strategies and steps to take in the real world.
*relieve anxiety
The difference between obsessional thinking and problem-solving thinking can be subtle. For example, thinking: “Don’t forget to buy bread today…Don’t forget to buy bread today,” over and over, is obsessional thinking. On the other hand, thinking about how your day will unfold and identifying a good time to go to the store to buy bread is problem-solving thinking.
Take a moment to imagine what it feels like to think: “I have to buy bread today…I have to buy bread today,” over and over. Then, take another moment to imagine what it feels like to to think: “When would be a good time to go to the store today?” The difference between the experience of one versus the experience of the other is pretty basic and physiological. This might be a helpful exercise to return to when you’re not sure whether a thought you’re having is obsessional or not.
Once you’ve gotten good at distinguishing obsessional thoughts from problem-solving thoughts, then you can move on to the next step:
Whenever possible, transform obsessional thoughts into problem-solving thoughts.
First, of course, you have to be able to identify what the actual problem is. To do that, get in the habit of noticing the waxing and waning of your obsessional thoughts. Even the most obsessional thinkers don’t spend all of their time lost in obsessional thoughts. So, start to pay attention to when you are having more obsessional thoughts rather than fewer. When you notice that your obsessional thoughts are waxing (becoming more frequent and intractable), ask yourself the following questions: “When did I start having more obsessional thoughts? What was happening right before the obsessional thoughts started to get worse? What might be bothering me other than the thing that I’m obsessing about?”
You may not always be able to identify just when the thoughts increased or get an answer to the question of what is really bothering you right away, especially at first. If you make a habit of labeling obsessional thoughts and asking yourself the questions though, you are likely to see some kind of pattern over time.
Let’s take, for example, the case of hypothetical Steve. Steve is in the shower when he notices that he is having repetitive worries about contracting the Corona virus. He puts his thoughts to the test and quickly realizes that they are not creating any new information or steps he can take to solve an actual problem, and that the more he thinks about getting the virus the more anxious he gets. Once Steve is able to identify his thoughts as obsessional, he starts to wonder about when they started. Steve is able to pinpoint beginning to worry about getting the virus to sometime earlier in the morning and, with further thought, to shortly after an argument with his recent live-in partner about who was responsible for the dishes that had been left in the sink from the night before. “Oh,” Steve thinks to himself, “the real problem is that we have really different approaches to cleaning sometimes and we have to get along in a small space for an indefinite period of time with virtually no breaks from each other.” Once Steve identifies the actual problem that set off his obsessive concern about contracting the virus, he is able to shift his thoughts to ways to address the conflict with his partner.
Often, the problem underlying a spate of obsessional thinking is a real conflict involving real people in the real world outside of your own head. Yet, most of us, at least at times, prefer to linger in imaginary conversations that, you got it, yield no new information or solutions and generate lots of anxiety.
A common version of obsessional thought is an endless loop of ostensible decision-making. In a romantic context, it goes something like: “Should I or shouldn’t I break up with him or her? Is the relationship really working? Is it really making me happy?” At first glance, these may seem like reasonable questions. Put them to the test, though, and they reveal themselves as obsessional. The real problem here is insufficient experience to know the answer to the questions. How do you know if someone is right for you? You test out where the real limits to intimacy and satisfaction are by actually getting to know better who the other person is, and who you, yourself, are able to be with him or her. And the main way to do that is by talking.
The more we actually talk to other people, the less likely we are to get lost in our own thoughts. So, especially during this uncertain and frankly scary time, lean hard on your connections with other people. Don’t spend too much time in your own head. If you’ve identified a real problem and you can’t identify a solution, enlist the help of others.
On your own, start the process of testing and labeling obsessional thoughts and, when obsessional thoughts keep coming, getting curious about when and why they started. If you can’t find a way to redirect the obsessional thoughts to problem-solving, try to distract yourself from thinking at all through some other activity or entertainment. If that doesn’t work, talk to a friend. If you can begin the conversation with something like: “I know these thoughts are obsessional but I just can’t seem to stop them,” it will be a much better experience for the person on the other end of the conversation than if you haven’t done any work at all to label the thoughts.
A classic example of obsessional thinking that many of us have witnessed is what happens when a friend is in a doomed romantic relationship but he or she just isn’t ready yet to accept that reality. Those of us who have been on the other end of a friend’s obsessional rumination know that, although there are technically two people talking to each other, what transpires in those moments is not actually a conversation. The friend asks endless questions like: “What do you think he means by that text? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that she said I am a really nice person? Do you think I should say it this way? Does it seem too needy? Would it be better to wait and send it tomorrow?” as you, the listener, feel less and less engaged. It’s not that you don’t care about your friend. It’s just that these are not really questions when the person uttering them isn’t actually interested in new information unless it conforms with his or her illusion that he or she can magically fix things that are, in actuality, already out of his or her control. It is not a conversation but a closed system masquerading as a conversation. There is no light or air in there.
So, even if you can’t stop your own obsessional ruminations, try not to be that person. Identify that you are caught up in an obsessional jag. Ask someone close to you for help. And then try your best to be open to receive it. For any difficult conversation in any situation where there is a risk of two people not actually hearing one another, I know of no better tool than a simple listening and responding technique called Imago. The technique was developed by Harville Hendrix, the author of Getting the Love You Want (1988) and it is very simple to learn and use. A search by name will give you a description and examples of the technique, but if you want more details you can find them in the book. In times of high anxiety, all of us are even more prone than usual to hear what our fears condition us to expect to hear rather than what is actually being said. So, a technique that was specifically created to correct for that tendency can be a handy tool to have.
“What do I do,” you may be asking at this point, “if I identify a problem but it has no solution, like Corona virus contagion?” Answering that will be the topic of next week’s post: How to Keep Your Thoughts from Spiraling Down a COVID 19 Rabbit-Hole (Part 2). All posts can be found on my website: onlineadvancedpsychotherapy.com.
I will be offering weekly posts while the crisis continues as well as answering questions related to mental health. You can reach me with questions via the website. Also, I am hosting a bi-weekly Free Online Video Support Group for First Responders. This group is on alternate Saturdays form 1 to 3. It is limited to medical personnel, but I would be happy to host another group on alternate Saturdays for other first responders, such as food service providers, if there is interest. Please pass the word to anyone you think might benefit form either group.
Thanks for reading and I hope this is of some help.
Stay safe.
Emily Garrod, PhD
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